The results of a bizarre new poll conducted by the Sandy Batt Center for Political Buggery are in, and they are alternately disturbing and ground-breaking, depending on your attitude.
According to the derivation gathered from one million likely voters for the 2028 election, the most likely Commander in Chief at that time will be none other than Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York.
Melissa Southard is a baseball seam stitcher from Ocala, Florida.
While other visionaries and notables made the cut in minor parts, the littlest lady Latina came in overwhelmingly first in the heat. Experts contend that her unbelievable hotness may have contributed to the results.
Professional pollster and amateur moyle Luke Atmyass says the selection proves that the contender-ess has exactly what it takes to lead.
“She’s absolutely brilliant, has political bonafides, is part of ‘The Squad’, which is popular, and has helped her home state immensely. Conservatives think she’s a bartender who, somehow, isn’t from America. They’re completely detached from the real world. Dumb, old, puttering pricks.”
Her boyfriend, officer John Poncharelli, pulls over anyone with a Trump hat and beats them senseless.
Cortez has beamed at the poll, tweeting this morning that “Time is coming for change, motherfu*kers.” She may be right. That glass ceiling may be closer than it appears, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is hammering that gas pedal.
Welcome to a fresh and new America, I guess. Coming soon.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
