Pence Concedes in Phone Call to Kamala

After all the post-election hijinks and controversy surrounding outgoing President Trump and his legal team’s baseless conspiracy theories about fraud and deception, one senior staff member has come forward to finally and officially throw in the proverbial towel.

Vice President Mike Pence made a private phone call yesterday to incoming VP Kamala Harris, officially conceding his and Mr. Trump’s loss and congratulating her and President Joe Biden on their confirmed victory.  Insiders say that news of the conversation did not go over well with Trump, who was only notified two hours after the event.

White House communications director Joe Barron broke the news to the morbidly obese commander no-longer in chief, and told gathered media Representitives that the ex-President didn’t take it well at all.

“Well, his face turned the shade of red you would associate with a tomato that’s been watered with dog piss for a month or two.  To people inside the White House, that’s a giant neon sign predicting a tantrum, followed by at least an hour of sulking and violent masturbation.  Turned out that’s pretty much exactly the reaction that came.  I stood back when he tried to overturn the Resolute desk, but luckily we had that bolted to the floor on day one.  Failing that, the President charged towards Rudy Guliani, his lawyer, and kind of sent him flying into the oval office restroom where he broke through the toilet bowl.  I believe the hospital said it’ll all be fine.  The toilet, I mean, not Rudy.  He looks like a bag of potato chips that got left under Sarah Huckabee’s mattress.”

According to a brief statement by Pence, the conversation was very civil and subdued.  The Indiana native offered prayers to his successor and her time in office and offered to appear for a private conversation with her later in a hotel room dressed as a pony.  Mrs. Harris turned the offer down politely and quipped: “I’m really not into gay Klan ghosts.”