In what might serve as the most unsurprising reaction to the verdict in the case of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin’s murder trial, former President Donald Trump told several media sources that he was absolutely certain that “The fix was in.”
Joe Barron of the Florida newspaper The Queef-O-Lago Sentinel had breakfast the following morning with the disgraced former game show host and Home Alone 2 star, and revealed Trump’s statement on the riveting real-life courtroom drama that held America mesmerized for nearly a week’s time.
“Rigged. It was rigged. All the way. The liberals hate cops and hate murder unless it’s Sleepy Joe Biden murdering gas prices. Am I right? They want to make me look bad, very bad. Very bad. So they use the fake news to stage a whole fake trial with fake people and just rig the jury.”
During the interview, Trump paused briefly to stroke Mike Lindell’s cheek lovingly from across the bed.
Barron then let the increasingly deranged twice-impeached failure continue, even as he suspected a psychotic episode may be building.
“Its the Democrats. Right? They rigged the election, they rigged this trial and American Idol and every game of Jeopardy. They hate America. Hate it. That’s why they want me to look bad. And why they don’t want cops to murder people for safety and justice. Black people vote Democrat, you see? Black people. They try, you know? Fantastic.”
Trump continued the interview for thirty minutes following, listing a host of other things he believes are rigged against him, including credit checks for hair plugs, deck chairs, and average toilet bowl capacities. As usual, the former dean of a con man college offered not a scintilla of evidence.
Curiously, the first orangutan commander in chief did NOT mention things that actually were slanted chance-wise, like professional wrestling or the motion picture : “Freddy Vs Jason.”
Was the Chauvin trial yet another cog in a massive world-wide and laughably unlikely conspiracy to denigrate Donald Trump? Donald Trump certainly thinks so. But then, that’s what happens when you and your idiot followers think The X-files was a documentary program.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
