Florida governor Ron DeSantis is arguably, the GOP’s biggest rising star and greatest hope for any future past Donald Trump. Across the nation, conservatives have beamed at the idea that a 2024 ticket with the 42-year old firebrand and old-people-whisperer would be a virtual slam dunk.
It seems that DeSantis has decided to nip that particular fantasy in the bud this weekend, after an appearance on the popular handicapped morning program Fox and Friends, where he made clear to hosts Steve Doocey, Random Female, and Brian “Pee Pants” Kilmeade, that he had absolutely no interest in running.
Kilmeade was formerly married to a broom he thought was his supermarket checkout girl for 8 years.
The governor, a former animal waste sculptor and cocaine salesman, is well-liked by Republicans for his loyal Trump gonad slurpage, despite his initial bungling of the Plague, causing thousands of deaths in the panhandle state. DeSantis has, however, continued to impress the Trump cult’s faithful, by authoring legislation that shreds the constitution, denies basic science in favor of shitty nonsense reasoning, and supresses the vote for people of color.
Why wouldn’t such a beloved brown-noser leap at the chance to stand beside his bulbous hero as his Second and precious ball-cupper? Joe Barron of Fox’s Blumpkin Desk thinks he knows why.
“Nobody wants to be Vice President to Trump. I mean, look at Pence. He literally spent four years being a nuetered little f*ck puppy, agreeing with every insane word out of that fat load’s yap, no matter how stupid. Completely pussy whipped.”
“He ends up having an armed mob come to murder him because he couldn’t overthrow an election single-handedly. Now, he’s persona non grata everywhere. The guy can’t get a job at a drive-thru gloryhole. Trump’s moron parade thinks he’s a ‘traitor’. Who would want that job?”
“Could I have the prettiest collar of all?”
Although DeSantis is at least smart enough to avoid a future of such misery and humiliation, he did admit later in the interview that he might be open to a position in the State department. You know, since experience has shown that in a Trump administration, that wouldn’t require much work at all, and you get away scott-free.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
