Little Matthew was happily munching on his Happy Meal from McDonald’s early in March of this year.  A blonde-haired, blue-eyed white boy from Queefsburgh, Tennessee, Matt was a decent soccer player who hoped to become a watermelon slicer for the local Publix grocery store in the future.

All that ended, his mother Sandy Batt told us, when he was halfway through his McDonald’s French fry bag, and simply, unexpectedly, dropped over dead.  Batt was horrified.

“I have three other sons whom I love more and are much better at soccer than Matt was,” she tells us while wiping away tears.  “But it was still shocking and tragic.  Like every new SAW movie.”

Much of the French Fry supposition is based on the little-known fact that Bill Gates supplies nearly all of the potatoes to the chain from his Frankenstein farms, where the vegetables actually scream when picked, and are genetically modified to carry the “Dovid” virus, a successor to Covid, Bovid, and Aovid.

“Nobody is dying from French fries,” says doctor Lindsey Buckingham of the Bedrock Institute.  “That kid in particular was shot from outside by a conservative dude, angry about “his tax dollars” or some crap.  Jesus, is there any shitty conspiracy theory you idiots won’t buy?”

Nonetheless, these kids keep meeting their maker, and nobody can explain exactly why, except of course, doctors, nurses, and normal human beings.

Just ba ba ba ba be careful, people.  Those fries are still suspect.

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