The Vice President of Marketing for Anheuser-Busch finds himself out of a job today after the Board of Directors of InBev held a priority private meeting.
Joe “Paterno” Barron, who has served in the role for more than 20 years, is famous for both the Spuds McKenzie campaign as well as the Budweiser frogs. “We’re not sure when he went off his rocker,” said board member Art Tubolls, “but it’s time for us to move forward.”
The company is reeling after a disastrous ad campaign promoting Bud Light’s partnership with a transgender person. Kid Rock shot a bunch of cans, and the internet exploded. Now, the bigwigs want answers and accountability.
“This happens every time some old-timer decides to go woke,” said Tubolls, “they think they’re being hip or something. It’s pretty pathetic.
Barron says he retired several years ago but still gets a check for some reason, which he figures will probably stop now. “Jerry Sandusky wasn’t my fault,” he told reporters, “and now I’d like some pudding.”
Executives at the company are scrambling to figure out what’s going on, who signed off on the disaster of the century, and how on earth they’re going to continue producing the number one selling beer in the country regardless of whether or not “stooges in bumpkin nation think switching to Natty” will wipe them from existence.
ABInBev is holding steady until later this afternoon when we’ll need a fresh headline. God Bless America.
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