It was a gloomy, rain-filled afternoon in Hadley’s Hope, Mississippi yesterday, as family, friends, and fellow heroes paid tribute to fallen Marine PFC Daniel Spunkmeyer who was killed some time ago during an attack on his vehicle by an unregistered illegal alien.  The soldier’s age was unspecified.

Like Donald Jr’s blood cocaine level.

Spunkmeyer had joined the Colonial Marine corps out of school, lying about his age in order to quicken his assignment.  His first and final mission was under the command of noted Marine sergeant Apone aboard the rescue ship Sulaco , assigned to bring supplies and assistance to civilians thought to be in danger in a foreign environment.

Reports from Marine Intelligence officer Sandy Batt relate that Spunkmeyer had been serving as co-pilot of the dropship Bug Stomper with 2nd battalion Bravo team, assisted by pilot Corporal Ferro.  After being sent to deliver supplies to artificially human military aide Bishop, the Private was ordered back, upon which point, he discovered a viscous fluid on the hull entrance.  His utterance of “What the – On my way” became his epitaph.

“Hey you guys! Are we rolling with that Louie C.K. dude or Pee Wee Herman today?”

Both officers were tragically slain soon thereafter by an illegal alien known as a xenomorph, hundreds of which had arrived in a sort of caravan, seeking to outnumber and replace the population of the small mining town.  The incident at the settlement made national headlines, embarrassing the backing Weyland Corporation’s ardent sponsorship and backing of the endeavor, causing it’s stock to drop significantly along with consumer confidence in the field of robotics and Android security.

The sole survivor of the event after Joss Whedon’s script for a real sequel was deemed too expensive, Ellen Ripley, described the Marine as : “A wonderful, yet tragic secondary character who barely had any lines, but lives on in our hearts.”  Perhaps if President Trump had been out commander in chief during the massacre at colony Lv-426, there would have been a wall to protect our troops.  And then they wouldn’t have been forced to collect magazines and just consider using harsh language.

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