Anheuser Busch is still losing money hand over fist. According to Chief Financial Officer Joe Barron, the company is down yet another $3 billion heading into the fourth quarter.

“We’ll have to do something about it if the year ends and we’re still bleeding cash,” said Barron, “Bud Light isn’t worth cratering the whole company.”

The whole thing started earlier this year when Bud Light held a massive marketing campaign to make Dylan Mulvaney, a transgender influencer, the face of the brand.

The campaign backfired. Kid Rock started the boycott with his infamous “FU Bud Light” video and it hasn’t stopped since. The company is out billions of dollars and it’s not over yet.

To validate the story, our forensic journalisticator, Tara Newhole, went out and did some groundwork. She visited numerous places of business to see how the brand was doing in the real world.

“First I went to Kroger,” she said, “and there was a fully-stocked cooler full of Bud and Bud Light. It was obvious that they hadn’t been selling any. I even asked the driver who was there topping off the shelves and he said he had no idea, he’s just a driver.

“The next stop was a country bar that I was sure would still be selling Bud Light. I was right! When I ordered one, however, the bartender warned me that I’d most likely get my ass kicked for being seen with one. The pool hall down the street was about the same. My conclusion is that if you go looking in the right places or ask anyone who hangs in Elon’s cesspool, Bud Light is done for.”

As always, the scientific explanation we were looking for. God bless you, Tara, and God Bless America.


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