CEO of InBev’s American Operations Alex Joseph Barron says the Bud Light brand will likely “never recover.”

“It’s a tainted name now,” Barron told us in an exclusive interview, “Think AirTran. It didn’t matter what they did, they would always be ValuJet. A name that invokes an eternal layover in the Everglades.”

Bud Light is, indeed, in its death throes. As sales plummet and stocks expire and get tossed in the garbage, the company hemorrhages cash.

“We’ve lost Billions,” said Barron, “and not just in some magical market cap that will reappear in next year’s portfolio. Real money. Product. People are losing their jobs. Breweries are closing. We completely underestimated the power of the boycott.”

Barron still never offered an apology, just an acknowledgment that the Dylan Mulvaney campaign was “misguided.” Until he does apologize, we’ll keep writing these stories and punishing Bud Light as often as possible. Unlike InBev, ALLOD knows exactly what true patriots really want.

We’ll stop short of the actual fantasies, of course, since far too many are rooted in some sort of homoerotica, but we’ll be happy to give Garth Brooks a good spanking online so you can picture it for yourselves at home.

There’s no shortage of material, patriots. We look forward to serving your rage. God Bless America.


  1. Ken Burns

    It must have been an article you published that started the rumor Governor Abbott ordered the cessation of water breaks for construction workers while record temperatures ravaged the state of Texas. Shamefully, I admit I was one of those Taters who fell for that fake news.

  2. Oblivia Noughbahls

    Just in case anyone reads your comment and thinks you’re being serious — the water-break law is for real (Texas House Bill 2127.)

  3. Ken Burns

    Oblivia: I think this site is only for the most unserious of readers, so now I am wondering if you are serious.

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