After a month of “the worst sales in company history,” Anheuser Busch has finally issued an apology. CEO of the Belgian Company Inbev, Johannis Borronshteimer, stood in front of the corporate headquarters in Rotterdam and issued what he said was “a sincere apology to our American brethren.”

“We here at Inbev had no idea that trying to market our product to as many people as possible would cause this much fuss,” said the executive, “we are especially sorry to the rural American male and his brothers in arms in little pockets like South Boston and Lowell, Massachusetts who fight every day to make sure that the oppression of the white, Straight, Christian male stops.”

“We understand you just want to be treated equally,” said President of US Operations Art Tubolls, “and we want you to be treated equally. And we promise to never again in the future do something that offends so many of you so horribly that you’d buy our product for the sole purpose of destroying it publicly.”

The apology may have sounded sincere when they wrote it but it likely lost some of that in the translation to English, explained Fox News language analyst Benza Lance. “I give it a 2.5/10. No burn.”

Lance’s sentiment was echoed across the country. Bud Light’s stock ticked up a bit as people loaded up on more of the product to shoot or dump out but they’ll be back to bankruptcy before long.

Boycotts work patriots. Nike is next. God Bless America.


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