Arkansas District Attorney Joe Barron of Batt County says investigators are getting closer to figuring out exactly what happened to Vince Foster that fateful night in 1995. Shortly after Punxatawny Phil appeared on the big screen for the first time on February 2nd, Foster was found dead. Within hours, his death was ruled a suicide and his unembalmed body buried unceremoniously.

Foster was simply forgotten, until a journalist dug into Hillary Clinton’s past during the 2014 midterms. That sparked questions that have taken more than 8 years to answer. Now, with the help of our investigators and a little bit of imagination, the DA says Foster was murdered, and that there’s a 90 percent chance that Chelsea, 11-years-old at the time, witnessed it.

“There’s no doubt in my mind,” said Barron, “that Chelsea always looked like she was ready to cry because of what she witnessed. I’m sure of it. The grand jury will have to decide if they’re sure of it, too.”

A spokesman for Chelsea Clinton, Art Tubolls, told ALLOD that Ms. Clinton witnessed no such thing, as one would expect her to say. “Chelsea has addressed this nonsense before, after the WAPO article about the satire guy from Maine. Just cut it out. She has no sense of humor and isn’t about to get one now. Please stop calling here.”

One wouldn’t expect a Clinton to be amicable, patriots. This journalisticator wasn’t surprised.

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