Senate Reaches Deal on Assault Weapons Ban

The United States Senate this morning finally reached a deal on the assault weapons ban it’s been mulling over since the rash of terrible mass shootings in the past three months.

Written and brought forth by shooting survivor Joe Barron, the legislation will effectively ban the ownership, use, and masturbation with any “assault” style weapon.  These include the Ak-47, the AR-15, and Halo’s “HAIR”, or “Halo Infinite Assault Rifle.”

High-capacity magazines are also on the block after both they and the weapons themselves proved devastating in the latest assaults, as well as in Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School, the Tree of Life synagogue, Southerland Springs, Las Vegas, the Pulse nightclub, Sandy Hook, Aurora, Dayton Ohio, Gilroy, and many others.

“It’s high time these weapons were frigging banned,” crowed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  “There is absolutely no reason anyone should need one, own one, or masturbate with one.  Period end of story.”

An assault weapon is a weapon of war and developed and used mostly by the military.  Senate leaders say that after collection shock troops go from door to door, searching houses and snatching the weapons, it’s there that they will go back to.

Senator Lindsey Graham, an ardent supporter of the gun-banning legislation told a crowd of supporters that their second amendment rights are still perfectly intact.

“Y’all can still carry your handguns and whatevah else.  But no more of these machine guns.  They give me a case of the vapors!”