For some years now, a majority of the American populace has cried out for a foolproof voter I.D. system to make sure that once and for all, only legal living residents and those registered with validity can take place in our election process.  No more fraud.  No insecure “mail” ballots.

Now, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has finally acquiesced to such a system, and it’s being rapidly rolled out for November 2020.  Leave your old-fashioned driver’s licenses and military cards at home.  The only way to press those buttons will be with a Batt 20 UPC Scan System.

It also plays Tic Tac Toe. And Global Thermonuclear War. Oh, and pretty soon, Angry Birds.

The brainchild of Sandy Batt Industries, the system requires a free downloadable app that is guaranteed to run on any common cell phone or tablet/laptop computer.  Each registered voter’s personal information is encoded into a one-of-a-kind UPC code symbol, just like those borne by products in your local supermarket or department store.  A licensed poll worker will then simply scan your phone’s ID code to allow you to vote.

Sounds simple, but Joe Barron of White Elderly Eggbodies Being Least Eager says it will savage Trump’s voting base.

“The problem is that all that Trump has left is old, white limper zombies.  They don’t all have real phones or laptops, they have Jitterbugs and GrandPads.  What are they going to do?  These are people who still think an electric toothbrush is witchcraft.  I know they were screaming the loudest for a voter ID because they believe all the ridiculous fake stories that President Bullshit blabbers at them, but is that a reason to make it harder for them to vote?  Well.  Come to think of it, yeah.  Yeah it is.”

“Also, we’re putting staircases in front of every booth. Just for fun. Good luck gramma! Ell oh ell!”

Pelosi calmed critics of the system by assuring that voters will have an entire two weeks from now to get set up with the new system.

All they will need is a standard cell phone or smart device, an internet connection, the app, a valid credit card and state issued ID, social security number, proof of residency, registered motor vehicle with up to date insurance card, and readable fingerprint and retina scan.  After that, voters will be issued a 16-digit passcode and be good to go.

So blow out a breath of relief as “voter fraud” is a thing of the past.  One vote, one scan, one second.  Now THAT’S change we can believe in!


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