As the leading Presidential candidate, Joe Biden is beginning to experience the rush of public endorsements that have begun rolling in, whether they come from corporations, celebrities, or organizations, both friendly and somewhat more shady.  This last week marks a massive benchmark as the Nationwide Church of Scientology and the L. Ron Hubbard Society officially endorsed the Democrat, with the weight of millions of members and dedicated voters behind it.

Known and feared by many to be a litigious and overly-sensitive organization, the Church boasts a slew of Hollywood celebrities in it’s membership, including actors Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and popular rock band trio Hanson.

Also, emo artist Moby, whose name is a Scienology term meaning “Composer for aging edgelords.”

The endorsement comes with a multi-million dollar donation sponsored by the money of many glassy-eyed acolytes who evidently have never heard of how cults operate.  Much of the so-called religion is based on the tale of a space-tyrant collecting unjust taxes, leaving his subjects to escape to Earth long ago, where he captured them, tied them to volcanoes, and allowed them to erupt, splitting our ancestors forever into two parts, each seeking the other, only to be reunited through the use of personality testing and donating money until they reach a top “level” of existence, when they also receive superpowers.   That’s really the story.

Joe Barron, Biden’s Donation Accepter, says that the Church will be a powerful ally in the campaign against Donald Trump.

“Sure, the Scientology money is a little ‘grifty’.   But sometimes it takes a group of better con men to beat one big fat stupid one.  Having their votes behind us along with their money is an asset we’re willing to capitalize on.  Would you rather the money went to making another awful piece of shit like ‘Battlefield Earth?”  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  That was an L. Ron Embarrassment is what that was.”

“I’m makin’ a Jehovas Witness version of The Last Starfighter next! Don’t like it? Up ya nose with a rubber hose!”

Biden’s campaign has issued a careful thank you to the organization for their support, choosing their words wisely in case some psychos start following them around with bullhorns and filing hopeless frivolous lawsuits.


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