WNBA star and pothead Brittney Griner says her ordeal in Russia has nothing to do with her political views at home, and she wishes people would stop asking. “I’m actually a pretty private person,” said Griner, “but I’ve made my stance on this clear.”

Her stance doesn’t necessarily match up with our headline perfectly, but it does present a plausible argument that Griner plans to do just that, protest the national anthem. “I don’t know how you arrived at that,” said the stoner, “but you do you.” Her snarky tone and passive-aggressive admissions of her true feelings on the issue made it clear that nothing has changed and that she will continue kneeling for the anthem.

Critics have wondered why the US would bother with someone who doesn’t love her country, but it became abundantly clear after our interview. “She doesn’t want to be here, but a Russian prison was worse,” said a friend who may or may not actually know Griner, “She said the food was terrible and the other inmates were all very rude.”

Some might say she deserves a chance to prove she can re-integrate into American society. Still, psychologist Joe Barron from the MIT Nucleic Brain Trauma Unit says the combination of Siberian whitefish and pot has likely ruined her chances of ever being a true American again.


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