Eaton Beaver and his wife Sheeza had no idea why the Queeferwind Lake police rolled up to their door last Monday, until they were told solemnly that their own grandson, Joseph Barron Beaver, had called in a code 616 – “Child in danger.”

Code 617 is : “Val Kilmer has Eaten Child.”

That was the scene in the small Utah that day.  Both the adults, aged 80 and 83 were handcuffed and taken into custody for, what turned out to be, refusing to be vaccinated against the Covid-19 pandemic.  Their ten-year old grandson believes their stubborn anti-vax stance : “places him in mortal danger and shit.”

Officer Jon Guluv of the Queeferwind Lake 14th precinct related how the couple is doing now.

“The suspects did not resist arrest, but we did have probable cause to believe they would, due to some whimpering and moaning during the process, so both were summarily beaten abrasively at the station.  The male was kneed in the nuts repeatedly and then waterboarded using A1 steak sauce, while the female was forced to view Rick Springfield’s ‘Bop Til You Drop’ video several times while being force-fed a fully un-peeled cantaloupe.”

The suspects are in fair condition and are being held on an eleventy-thousand dollar bond.

Which is the same amount it cost to have Tucker Carlson completely albinoed.

The boy, who has spent the last twenty-four hours using his grandparent’s home as an indoor skateboard park, says he is pushing through the abuse he suffered from having guardians under the spell of the Trump cult.

“They think there’s microchips in it or that it wasn’t tested right or that people are shedding and growing flipper dicks or some shit.  I mean, they voted for Trump twice, so it’s not like they’re real critical thinkers.  You guys want some fresh bloogie?  I’m growing it in grandpa’s false teeth water.”

The youth has already begun the legal emancipation process and intends to sell his family’s house to fund a collection of Fortnite skins and hookers.

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *