ABC’s “The View” is in serious trouble. With the lowest ratings in daytime TV history, Producer Joe Barron has been exploring options to increase the viewer base.

“The problem we have right now is the audience. They’re a bunch of rainbow-haired lesbians and non-binary things named Lee. Even they’re getting bored.”

The real problem, of course, lies with the current hosts. Whoopi Goldberg, who took over for Barbara Walters, has been ruining the show with her angry outbursts and racist humor for nearly 15 years.

Candace would definitely solve that problem. She’d attract a conservative audience with her natural ability to insult whoever sits across the table from, her.

“We’d love that crowd,” said Barron, “They have no real morals to compromise. As long as you don’t insult Trump or Kyle Rittenhouse, you’re pretty well golden. We could do shows about nothing and maybe even get Elizabeth Hasselbeck back.”

Shirley from Pahrump and her neighbor Betty say they’ll definitely start watching The View again if Candace joins. “She has lovely hair,” said Shirley. Betty let us know how impressed she was with her speech. “You could hardly tell,” she said, “That takes a lot of work.”

Indeed it does ladies. Indeed it does. God Bless America.

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