One of the first things the new central Florida Tourism Board, the entity now in charge of all Disney operations in Florida, did after being sworn in was to eliminate a problem parents have complained about since Disney first went woke a few years ago: gender-neutral bathrooms.

“It has come to our attention,” said Trustee Joe Barron, “that children have access to restrooms that could be used by sexual predators. ‘Gender-neutral’ is just a new-age term for ‘groom children.’ We fixed the issue immediately, ordering all bathrooms to be properly identified and assigned to a particular gender.”

Disney Spokesman Skip Tetheludah says the board is welcome to make whatever changes it likes to the park visited by people from across the country who spend lots of money and vote. “We want them to see what the Governor of the state of Florida is all about.”

As for the bathrooms, the change wasn’t really possible, so they just locked the doors. “Those were family bathrooms with locking doors so there wasn’t confusion if a parent goes in with a child or a husband helps a wife in a wheelchair. They’re standard in literally every Walmart in America, so this whole dumb thing should be really interesting to watch play out.”

According to the board, the Walmart bathrooms solved the problem by putting the words “family bathroom” on those units, making it clear that marriage is between a man and a woman. “Disney still hasn’t acknowledged that fact or that men can’t have babies,” said Trustee Sandy Batt, “until that happens I’m afraid we’ll have no choice but to intervene.”

The board meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Bob Evans in Orlando.

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