The world lost a household name today. In what has to be one of the most tragic accidents in recent memory, Don Jr. was killed while driving his Lamborghini Aventador to his office in New York City earlier this morning.

According to New Jersey State Police, he was traveling at a high rate of speed in inclement weather and hit a pothole on the New Jersey Turnpike, causing him to lose control of his vehicle.

Don Jr. was well known for his philanthropy, love of fast cars and, much to the chagrin of his beloved wife and his seven side chicks, loose women. In a written statement, family spokesperson Joe Barron asked the media to respect his family’s privacy during this time of grief:

“The entire family is in a state of shock. We respectfully ask that the family be allowed to grieve in privacy during this difficult time. We need to find and notify all of his girlfriends, which is not an easy task considering that all the bars and strip clubs in New York City are currently closed. We also need time to delete his browser history and find his drug stashes, which are all over the place. Until then, we have no further comment.”

Don Jr. is survived by his parents, Donald Finkelstein Sr., President of Astroglide International, his mother, Amanada Finkelstein, and his beloved wife Agnes Warhola-Finkelstein. While Don Jr. and his wife have no children of their own, pending the results of paternity tests Don Jr. has anywhere between 5 and 13 children out of wedlock.


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