Dr. Phil’s retirement came as a shock to a lot of people, including those closest to him. Some thought he just wanted to settle down. Other figured he was physically tired. What nobody considered, however, was that the good doctor was actually being blackmailed.

“I was told that my family would pay the price if I didn’t retire,” he told our source on condition of anonymity, “They said if I kept going there would be severe consequences. I just can’t have that.”

Authorities are declining to comment on the situation, which may mean there are investigations underway. As of now, Dr. Phil’s official statement is one of happy retirement, even though that’s really not the case.

Private investigators following the doctor’s situation believe the blackmailer is a former guest who wants the show to end for personal reasons, and not someone with nude pictures he sent to underage girls, as some may be suggesting. There’s also no evidence that any of this actually happened other than the word of a source close to our publication who says he can’t divulge the blackmailer’s identity for fear of his own life.

“None of this makes any sense,” said New York City Detective Joe Barron, who was assigned to the case, “he doesn’t even live in this state.”

It would seem that the blackmailers have done a pretty good job of keeping themselves hidden and their intentions a secret. Welcome to Joe Biden’s America.

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