Note – Columnist Fallis Gunnington has ceded his platform today to special guest writer John Wayne Jr., son of legendary American actor John Wayne.

When I was growing up, my father had a lot of life lessons to impart and a lot of things he told me that still resonate today, even in today’s world, where cowboys don’t exist and the definition of “man” has become fluid.  But I’ll always know that he was an incredible champion for the unborn.  I can substantiate that statement with concrete evidence.

I, myself, John Wayne Jr., am one of them.  The unborn.

You see, the John Wayne you know, who acted in hundreds of films during his long and legendary career, had seven children.  He managed to spend tiny bursts of time and energy on them, in-between filming such epics as “Shane”, “Every Which Way But Loose”, “Young Guns”, and of course, “Back to the Future Part 3.”  I, however, am not one of those children.  I never existed.

Like a woman brought to orgasm by Ryan Seacrest.

I never had the same chance as those sons and daughters of the Duke.  As a fictional American, I was never allowed to come to full term in any womb, never breathed the air of a delivery room, and never pooped a second after my first diaper was fastened.  I will never grow to ride a horse like the person I’m pretending would have been my dad did, I’ll never have my heart broken by a hooker in an MGM studio broom closet like the real John Wayne might have, and unlike him, I won’t ever live to drive a car while downing a fifth of Jack.  All of this is because there is no such thing as me.

Whether or not I exist is moot.  What is true, is that I am unborn.  And President Trump is a devout champion of the unborn.  He depends on people who don’t exist to protect the nation against a viral pandemic that he failed to keep controlled.  He rages against imaginary groups of unborn terrorists who mean us and out heratages harm.  Trump depends on the non-existent and he’s their last chance to be.  While not actually being.

Fun fact – Wayne wanted to be Dirty Harry, but was denied because Clint Eastwood was a slightly less terrible actor.  Slightly.

So if you’re a fan of John Wayne, and you want the advice of an absolute nobody, and I mean that literally, vote for Trump.  He is the last best chance absolutely none of us has.


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