NFL Players no longer get to say “it’s my right” when it comes to doing as their job requires. According to Judge Joseph Barron of the 34th Regional District Union Court that oversees comprehensive collective bargaining agreements, the 1st Amendment doesn’t apply to private employers.

“The NFL isn’t a non-profit anymore, so there’s nothing connecting the league to the government. Therefore, if the owners and coaches want to enforce rules on their fields, it’s not up to us, as a society, to tell them otherwise.”

The Supreme Court has already issued a letter of intent to lower appellate courts that it stands with the NFL on this issue. The players union will probably try to appeal to an international trade court, but that won’t hold any water outside of Morrocco.

With kneeling behind them, League President Joe Barron says he’s confident the stadiums might fill up again. “Too many people have avoided our games for too long over something ridiculous. So that’s that. No more kneeling.”

Players seem to be mostly okay with the decision, as the protest isn’t really as popular now that Colin Kaepernick was fined $5 million by the Raiders for showing up for tryouts in a vintage USSR field hockey uniform. “He may have gone too far,” said former defenseman Reggie White, “Sometimes, you have to stick to what people can get behind. You have to be believable. These little cries for help show he’s not ready to join us in the real world.”

Union spokesman Joe Barron says the players just won’t sign the agreement and they can all watch The Replacements play out in real life but without Jon Favreau. White said he thinks the Sumo wrestler stole that movie. They’re ready to do battle, patriots, but as far as the courts are concerned, they have no case.

God bless America.


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