Biden Vows to Eliminate Death Penalty

Even though he’s still a couple of short weeks away from being sworn in as the 46th elected President of the United States, Joe Biden is already planning his agenda to heal the country.  One step he plans to take early on is eliminating the death penalty.

The announcement made from the veranda of the Dominion Corporation’s newly renamed Biden Constitution Center in Dearborn, Michigan to Queefing Stone Magazine’s Sandy Batt, was immediately embroiled in controversy.  During the Trump administration’s push for executions, the number of federal prisoners to be put down reached a century-long high.

Both Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris have pointed out that anyone suffering the sheer amount of mental handicaps that Donaid Trump encompasses should not be in charge of life or death situations.  They combine that with a still problematic justice system which, again, was damaged badly by the outgoing king of the dipshits.

Although the country itself has gone back and forth about the moral implications and effectiveness of execution, 28 states still employ it.  Biden’s aim is to use federal power to overrule the authority of those states, citing them as overall, not intelligent or mature enough to employ it’s use.  Looking at you, Texas, with your Bush family and your treasonous lawsuit.

“The southern flyover states don’t exactly have a sterling record regarding the law or superintelligence,” opines Jon Guluv of Harvard’s Elitist Club.  “It’s kind of a serious matter and we’re talking about an area that mostly supported Donald Trump as President.  I mean, you don’t let a newborn baby drive a school bus do you?”

Although completely removing the death penalty from the United States permanently will require a lot of wrangling between the members of Congress, Biden has assured audiences that he’s the man for the job.  As the opposite of Trump, he intends to protect American lives instead of negligently destroying them.