The only way Lia Thomas will see another swimming meet will be from the bleachers. A rules commission in Del Pante Gelato, Moldova ruled in favor of the NCAA and the US Olympic Committee in upholding the now-former swimmer’s universal ban from the sport.

“Thomas has played by the rules but the rules have changed,” said Commissioner Joe Barron, “and while it’s not technically her fault, she no longer qualifies from a scientific standpoint.”

The rules changed after Thomas took the gold in every single event in the US Finals at the University of Indiana at Helman’s Ridge last year. Women across the sport came together and protested.

Thomas has already been stripped of the title of National Champion and each individual school has a court case to strip her of the medals their swimmers should have.

The National Alumni Association is also suing Thomas for costing schools valuable recruiting tools. A Gold medal is more appealing to a young swimmer than a silver.

“Ultimately, the whole thing is a bit blown out of proportion,” said Barron, “since Thomas has moved on from swimming and wouldn’t be in the news at all if Riley Gaines wasn’t trying to be the next Tomi Lahren. She’s never gonna make it, though. Her eyes are way too close together. It makes her uncomfortable to look at.”

We’ve passed the assessment of Gaines on to an eyeball-measuring expert and will report the findings in 6 to 8 weeks. God Bless America.

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