Pope Francis said today that a new study undertaken by the Vatican’s Office of Ancient Middle Eastern Studies proves conclusively that Jesus of Nazareth was, in fact, a Muslim and not a Jew.

While it is common knowledge that Jesus was a revered prophet in the Q’uran, where he is referred to as Īsā ibn Maryam, up until now it was thought that he was the King of the Jews. Recently unearthed ancient Dead Sea scrolls of the Judean People’s Front appear to show otherwise.

Prof. Dr. Joe Barron, the principal investigator of the study, explains:

“What the scrolls show is that Jesus was, in fact, the very first Muslim King. I honestly don’t understand how we got it wrong for all those years. The signs were all there: both Muslims and Jews don’t eat pork, and those little beanie hats that Jews wear are really just very small turbans. Back in those days it wasn’t as hot and they only needed a tiny little turban. And those long robes and headscarves you see women wearing in the bible? They were really just the very first hijabs. Jesus’ long beard, his long hair, it all makes sense now. The shroud of Turin? It was his girlfriend’s hijab.”

Representatives Omar and Tlaib were ecstatic at hearing the news. Reached at her mosque, Omar said:

“This is great news for all of Islam. We can now rightfully claim Jesus as our own King and impose Shakira Law on all of America.”

Tlaib echoed Omar’s remarks:

“Americans have always claimed that the United States is a Christian Nation. We now have proof that it has always been a Muslim nation. I’m going to go out and buy one of those little beanie hats first thing in the morning!”

It remains to be seen how all of this plays out, as it is sure to shock Christians around the world.


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