Conservative up-and-comer Kyle Rittenhouse is in a Wisconsin hospital in serious condition today after leftists ambushed him on a busy Milwaukee street. Rittenhouse was driving peacefully through the Shotz Brewery neighborhood of Sedgewickesville when his Jeep was broadsided by a Prius, apparently reinforced with armor plating in the front and a military-grade bumper.

The vehicle barely survived the crash, and according to witnesses, was almost immediately scooped up by a tow truck and whisked away, leaving no evidence. Traffic cameras in the Democrat-controlled burg were mysteriously switched off. Rittenhouse was found by first responders, “crying and asking for his mommy.” A common response to trauma, even for a battle-tested soldier like Rittenhouse.

Authorities refuse to confirm that Rittenhouse is the victim, and his public relations team is currently unavailable. Eyewitnesses say before he passed out, he gave onlookers a thumbs-up and said, “it was a black guy.” Police immediately released a picture of a random black person to officers on patrol.

“We should have several suspects in custody by the end of the day,” said Chief Joe Barron, “There are plenty to choose from. We’ll shake up the Antifa tree and see what falls out.” Several other local departments, as well as the county sheriff,  said the chief’s statement was abhorrent and just plain wrong, but that there are a lot of good cops, so it’s okay.

The unnamed subject we believe to be Rittenhouse is expected to make a full recovery but make speak with a lisp. Thoughts and prayers for his future.

1 Comment

  1. This shows how unlawful the Woke Leftist Antifa are. They should all be arrested on sight in future. They are the dredges of society.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *