Fourteen Restaurants to Add ‘Mask Tax’ To Food Bill

Imagine you’re stopping into your neighborhood Big Belly Burger after months of either forgoing the “belly belly good” confections, or weeks of resigning yourself to the indignity of the drive-thru window, where your order might be right.  You and your family are finally let in, set apart from other tables because of “social distancing guidelines”, and then nicely asked to don a face mask.  You refuse, as is your right as an American.  Now, when the bill comes, there’s a mysterious added “mask tax” of ten dollars per person.

How would that make you feel?

If you’re anything like Joe Barron, head media representative of Concerned Laborers Against Mask Security, you’d be appalled.  The lead manipulator of C.L.A.M.S. feels it’s an unfair tax to levy against those who simply don’t give a shit about health and safety during a pandemic.

“I have many problems with masks, and all of them are rooted in Facebook memes and things I’ve heard people say from underneath the table by the dartboard at Skippy’s Swillhouse in Fishraper, Kentucky.   One is that they don’t protect.  If you can fart through your jeans, droplets can escape a mask.  Okay?  Two.  I have heard that these masks have caused three people to go into comas.  The report spelled ‘coma’ with a ‘k’, but I still believe it.  Three is our rights.  The constitution says we have the right to not wear a mask and endanger anyone around us we want to.  It’s government overreach.  When cops overreach, I’m fine with that, but the government, no way.  What’s next?  Making my wife wear underpants made out of vegetables?  Not on my watch.”

The American Restaurant Association, which for some reason, has Padma from “Top Chef” as a member even though she’s an annoying nobody, says the tax is vital to offset the lengths establishments now have to go to to keep guests safe.  They call it: “something that will be commonplace in the future.”

Is this right? Is it the future?  Maybe under someone like Joe Biden.  But if Trump is reelected, maybe he can send that particular order back to be re-cooked.