Megan Rapinoe’s career came to an end last month, in what was anything but a blaze of glory.

Instead, she lost all her endorsements, got released by her pro team before the season ended, and found herself booted from the Olympic team.

Rapinoe now says that she gets “no respect” and that she won’t be spending another minute in the US.

“I’m leaving. I’m considering Portugal. I can be friends with Britton and move on with my life.”

Rapinoe is also being sued by several people, according to Attorney Ryan J. Fish of Willams, Vanden, and Boom. “She made lots of enemies who are power players in the conservative world.”

It’s true. On top of all the punishment and misfortune, Rapinoe is facing the wrath of Riley Gaines, Kyle Rittenhouse, and Chachi. “Chachi’s kind of a joke,” said her personal bodyguard Jolie “Flavortown is my Jam” Robbins, “but Riley and Kyle are the real deal. She’ll call her names while trying to look as attractive as possible and Kyle will just straight-up shoot her and hope she has a criminal record.”

Vegas is already placing the odds of another Rittenhouse acquittal at 70 to one unless he gets “a really dumb jury.” Which certainly is possible. God Bless America.



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