New York City has a serious immigration issue. Since the end of Title 42, more than 130,000 asylum-seekers have arrived in the Big Apple looking for the city to feed and house them while they get on their feet.

“Unfortunately, we couldn’t keep doing that,” said Mayor Eric Adams, so we had to take the next steps to keep these people safe.” Beginning next week, New Yorkers with more than two bedrooms of 1000 square feet of living space will be subject to a lottery to determine if they’ll be required to house a migrant family.

Some people say we’re violating the 3rd Amendment, but that’s not the case,” said City Manager Joe Barron, “the people chosen to house migrants will be compensated, and nobody is suggesting they house any soldiers.”

The city estimates that as many as 10,000 residents will be assigned families, while another 29,000 will receive a single adult. The pay for housing a migrant is $1,287 per week and the program is mandatory for all New Yorkers living in the Five Burroughs.

“Long Islanders will be exempt,” said Adams, “not just because we don’t want to listen to them complain but also because they’re massive douchebags who would likely sell their migrants if given the chance.” ALLOD confirmed that most Long Islanders are, in fact, massive douchebags.

Two Obama-appointed judges have already approved the measure with the stipulation that any black families participating in the program have their fees doubled as an “offering of reparations.”

The whole world is going to hackers in a handbasket, patriot, but at least when society burns nobody will freeze. God Bless America.


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