The NFL is joining the NHL with a full boycott of “pride” themed events for the upcoming season. According to the new official policy, “no team will endorse or provide a venue for a political movement.”

League Policy Director Joe Barron says the move was a no-brainer. “Pride events are empty,” said Barron, “Nobody shows up.”

According to data obtained through public records, a single pride event costs the average team $3.9 million to put on. “There’s no return on the investment other than a bunch of positive headlines from the liberal media,” said TPUSA Founder Charlie Kirk, “then there’s the whole ‘affront to God’ thing.”

Kirk’s sentiment was echoed throughout the league as players and coaches alike were tired of playing in front of a limited crowd that “doesn’t actually seem to enjoy football.”

The move comes just as the league made other concessions to try to get real Americans back in the stands. “We’re looking to get the profits back up to pre-Kaepernick days. When the right boycotted, it really hurt. Not in reality or anything, but all the stories about how we were doing poorly really stuck a few of us right in the feelz.”

Barron says the league is also boycotting Bud Light, Target Field will be renamed “Constitution Park,” and Yeti coolers will be banned from tailgate parties. “Most importantly,” said Barron, “there will be no drag queens or trans folk allowed since kids are welcome at games.”

That only seems right, patriots. If we’re gonna embrace the stupid, we should embrace it all. God Bless America.

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