In a new development that should surprise no one, Attorney General Barr today announced that a months-long investigation revealed that in late 2018 after the Democrats retook the House, well known left-wing antagonist George Soros allegedly paid House Democrats millions in bribes in order to elect Nancy Pelosi Speaker of the House, even though she was clearly unqualified due to her rampant alcoholism.

The 12-month investigation and a secret federal grand jury looked into thousands of emails and hundreds of bank statements of Democratic House members as well as George Soros. The bank statements alone uncovered payments totaling over 200 million dollars, meaning that each member received almost one million dollars in bribes.

In addition, the emails revealed a much deeper plot: Soros wanted Pelosi elected as Speaker because in exchange she would introduce legislation that would favor his various businesses.

The evidence does not stop there, however. Records from earlier this year show that Soros owned companies received billions in stimulus funding through fake offshore bank accounts disguised as belonging to US businesses, which is a tidy “return” on his investment.

The payments to Soros were allegedly made possible via a special earmark in the stimulus bill that was inserted at the last minute by Pelosi herself. The special earmark was for companies producing all natural hemp-based feminine hygiene products in several Southern states.

Not coincidentally, and unbeknownst to Republicans that voted for the bill, Soros owns over 90 percent of the hemp-based feminine hygiene product manufacturing facilities in the United States as well as most of the hemp farms that supply them with raw materials.

These feminine hygiene products are in extremely high demand due to their high absorbency rate (up to 5,000 milliliters per second), super-strong ripcords, and the ability to expand up to 267 times their original size. A single tampon can absorb a 5-gallon bucket of water in under three seconds and the string is strong enough to hold over 200 pounds. This also makes them suitable for a myriad of other purposes. For example, the US Army Corps of Engineers regularly uses them to plug holes in the levees around New Orleans, and the City of New York uses them to plug overflowing manhole covers.

If you are a tater and have actually made it this far and STILL believe this ridiculous story, here’s a tip: you obviously know nothing about the female anatomy. A tampon expanding up to 267 times its original size would result in a lot of bowlegged women dragging what looks like a giant marshmallow between their legs. Looks like you’ve been had. Again.

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