Candace Owens has it all – A successful career supporting a successful President – A list of awards and accolades longer than her arm – and now, just announced, the greatest gift of them all : the promise of motherhood.  But that world was shattered to pieces last week when her husband George Farmer announced he wanted an immediate divorce from the outspoken conservative catterwauler.

“Chocolate, I can be single and ready to mingle in five minutes.”

The regretful beau cited the pregnancy as the overwhelming reason for the split, telling Joe Barron from the publication Hitler Fans Weekly that he was “tricked” by the obnoxious pundit into fatherhood, and that his formerly pro-choice bride had suddenly become opposed to women’s rights in order to use her fetus only to make a political stand.

“Look, Candace is hot, and we’ve boned a lot, okay?  And somehow, she convinced me to strap on the old ball and chain.  But we had agreed not to have any children yet because, frankly, she’s colossally dumb, and I don’t want dumb kids.  Despite her idiot obsession with Trump and his deluded quote-unquote ‘Christian’ supporters, Candace was pro-choice, so it was all good.  But now?  No way.  I’m not getting locked into years of misery with that nattering ignoramus and the baby she’s gonna brainwash into a dipshit.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  Have a nice life, sister simpleton.  I’m taking the Jaguar by the way.”

Oh man, and they have Rayman AND Tempest. That’s cold, brah.

Close friends of Owens say she’s devastated over the shocking departure of her partner for over two years, and has locked herself in a guest bedroom of her house, listening to hours of Kid Rock and Charlie Daniels music.  Some are worried for her mental and physical health.

“Candace has never been what you would call stable,” says an anonymous source.  “I mean, that much is obvious from her trumptardery.  I just hope she’s ready to put her mouth where her fetus is and raise this baby by herself.  Even if it’s gay.”


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