One of our amazing First Lady’s skills is that she is well-educated and speaks nearly eight languages fluently.  That bit of important communication expertise came in handy this week as the former model and relaxation specialist brokered a cease-fire and peace accord for a conflict that’s been going on for nearly 100 years.

Even longer than Vinnie Barbarino has been studying the art of erotic massage.

Africa became the setting for a brutal occupation in the early 1900’s when the Empire of Romulus seized the neighboring country of Bajor, kicking off a murderous and bloody conflict that continued for far too long.  Until Melania Trump stepped in as the emissary of the great Prophets.

“I actually didn’t know anyone still spoke Old Romulan”, gushed Ambassador Sandy Batt to the Washington Queefer News.  “Normally, it was a language that died out after the emperors of the old lands began using it only to instruct and direct whores.  It must have taken years of extensive practice to learn such a tongue.  No pun intended.  Along with a lot of other people, I kind of dismissed the idea of her being multi-lingual, you know, because she always sounds like she’s struggling to pronounce a Sesame Street reader.  But I guess if you’re looking for someone to express to a Russian waiter how hot you want your borscht or some shit, and for some reason your phone suddenly can’t access Google translate, she’s suddenly useful.  I guess.”

The leaders of both sides of the conflict have admitted they didn’t understand a single word out of Mrs. Trump’s mouth, since she may simply have been standing on a rock and trying to sing “Dankeshien.”

“Ich bin eine so HOOOORRRNAAAY!”

No matter what the details are, the first lady of the United States has proven, once again, why she’s more than just a pair of nipples in a Cinemax movie.  She’s a pair of nipples that thrust proudly outward for peace and justice under God.

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