In a bid to improve relations with Republicans, Planned Parenthood announced today that it will be providing free vasectomy services and free condoms to any Republican man in any affiliated clinic in the nation’s South.

The services will be provided by specially trained Wiccans, who are well known for their holistic philosophy and adherence to principles of nature.

Alexis McGill Johnson, Acting President of Planned Parenthood explains:

“Clinical research has shown that Republican men in the South more than anywhere else in the United States have “issues” when it comes to accidently impregnating women. This has led to numerous birth defects and has caused many preventable diseases in their female partners. In light of these studies we have decided to step up to the plate and offer our services to help remediate this widespread problem.”

Sandy Batt, High Priestess of the Wiccan coven in Deliverance, Alabama is one of those that have been specially selected and trained for the purpose. Ms. Batt, who is also a sheep farmer is excited to take part in the effort:

“The problem with Republican men in Alabama is really no different than with all them sheep shaggers in Wales. The solution is quite simple, really. Instead of snipping and ripping ’em out like you do with sheep, you just snip ’em and leave ’em in. Spray on some iodine, let them go and you’re all done!”

Jethro (last name withheld) was one of the first men to take advantage of the offer. He couldn’t be happier:

“Ever since I had the procedure done I have felt much better. Even my sheep and the goats seem to be more at ease. I would highly recommend that all Republican men take advantage of this offer.”

And there you have it. This is a win-win for everyone involved.


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