Houston Police alerted the FBI that conservative hero Ben Shapiro may have been kidnapped from his Batt Street home. Lieutenant Joe Barron says it seems someone busted down the door and took the young Republican by force.

Shapiro, known as a triggerer of liberals, may have been taken to satisfy some sick Satanic ritual or to silence his voice and opinion. There’s also the possibility he was murdered and the scene set to look like he was taken.

So far, no demands have been made and the FBI says they’re not considering it a crime until the allotted time passes. Biden’s directives require white people to be missing for at least 36 hours, whereas minorities can be searched for immediately.

“I think that’s kinda racist,” said Barron, a longtime friend and fan of the young Shapiro, “If Ben were a black woman or a trans dude they’d be combing the streets. Now we gotta wait and see if he just staged it to get a night alone with his sister again. It’s a family thing. People don’t need to understand.”

Shapiro has been repeatedly criticized for lusting after his sister, who is pretty hot. He denies wanking over her, but most critics don’t buy it. “He actually drools when she’s in the room,” said Ben’s mom, “it’s always been cute. They never acted on their innocent crush for each other that I know of so no harm no foul.”

Pray for Ben’s safe return, patriots. God Bless America.


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