Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is very concerned about the American people, her local Bay Area constituency, and of course, most of all, Nancy Pelosi. Her affection for jewelry and liquor and expensive tastes in ice cream and clothing have long been legendary in political circles.

Her nail art was commissioned by Andy Warhol’s estate.

Last week, the Speaker made headlines by opening a hair salon just for her, and proceeded, unmasked, no less, to have her hair tended to like a primadonna yenta. This time, Pelosi called the owners and operators of the “Raging Waters” amusement park and insisted they open for six hours to accomadate her and her four grandchildren.

The entire park was meticulously inspected, set up, stocked, and staffed in a mad morning rush, and was completely empty save for the Speaker, her twin granddaughters Sandy and Batt, and her grandsons Barack and Eazy.  Raging Waters owner Clete Torrez says the stunt will cost him nearly a half-million dollars, which Pelosi assured him would be paid from the country’s social security fund.

Pelosi contends that it’s the unusually hot weather that makes it necessary to venture into the amusement facility, making the case that any lawmaker is more productive while able to concentrate in a comfortable setting.

“It’s a big like Trump’s excuse for constantly playing golf, isn’t it?  ‘I’m getting work done while I’m out here?’  Same thing.  Just instead of golfing, the kids and I are zooming down waterslides and bobbing around in the wave pool. It’s a great park, it really is.  You can swim from ride to ride.  I encourage everyone to come and visit for some real American fun.  I mean – once it’s open to regular people again.”

My dad only lets me play Aquaman in the toilet. On my birthday.

Pelosi and her extended family spent over six hours in the park, completely unmasked, and, in fact, breathing out into special fan-enabled megaphones in order to spread their voices as far as possible.  I guess it’s good to be queen.


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