The newest power couple on Earth, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce got a jarring return to the planet yesterday after being summarily ejected from the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant in Las Vegas, Nevada, by none other than head Chef Gordon Ramsay.

After a superbowl after-party went extraordinarily long, Ramsay had had enough.  Why was he still there?  Who knows.  But he was, and he wasn’t happy.  Investigative journalist Joe Barron gave us the skinny on the festivities and their shocking highlight.

“Well, that DJ guy that dresses like a Marshmallow but really kind of looks like the boss-battle guy from Marvel’s AIM was spinning the tunes.  It was Aqua’s ‘Barbie Girl’, which was by request of a guest, Ben Shapiro.  Nobody wanted to hear his shitty song.”

Barron swallowed heavily, then went on, using up an entire paragraph.

“Anyway, Ice Spice was dancing with Taylor and Kelce was dancing with somebody dressed as Elvis, who I think was Bruce Campbell.  Ramsay slammed in from the kitchen and began yelling for everyone to ‘Go home, you bloody no goodniks!  It’s fucking 3 O’clock in the morning!’  The record skipped.”

It was at that point that Kelce and Ramsay began fistfighting in the center of the room, with Ramsay at last, using the “crane kick” from the popular Karate Kid movie to knock the tight end into la la land.

The party finally broke up with Ramsay himself escorting the couple to the fiery doors.


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