Real Americans have made it known that they are very opposed to the $1,200 checks that most citizens will be receiving soon as part of the federal government’s stimulus package.

These rugged individuals don’t want the money because they are 100 percent opposed to the government handing out free money to anyone, which makes them wail about socialism and the evils associated with it.

To help these true Americans avoid the soul-crushing indignity of receiving free money from the government, Mike Pence has a plan of setting up a website that will allow socialism-hating American patriots to donate their $1,200 checks directly to their churches.

They can bypass receiving the check entirely by visiting the website, selecting their church from the list, and clicking on “Yes, I’d like to buy my way into heaven by avoiding socialism and paying for my pastor’s private jet.”

Churches will certainly be in dire need of donations, now that most of them have been shut down for weeks and haven’t been able to wave a donation plate in front of their obedient parishioners every Sunday morning.

The ones that are still open…well, let’s just say they won’t be needing any money since everyone will be dead.

Cabinet Secretary for un-Socialist Economic Endeavors Sandy Batt said, “This system will allow red-blooded American patriots to keep their dignity intact and also line their churches’ coffers. It really is the best of all worlds: the churches will stay afloat and the non-socialists will remain superior to the lazy socialists.”

The website isn’t up and running yet, and considering that presidential son-in-law and extremely punchable douchebag Jared Kushner is in charge of developing it, it will most likely run over budget, never work, and “accidentally” redirect all money to his nearly bankrupt real estate company in New York.

Anyone who wants to be a freeloading, Hot Pocket-eating basement dweller can go ahead and cash their check. The rest of us will look at you with scorn.


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