It’s the Memorial Day weekend, and millions of Americans are expected to be travelling, touring, and shopping, a tradition that’s been stymied for some time due to the appearance of the Trump plague.  This year, it has the distinction of being the first oasis of such freedom, thanks to the incredibly successful work of the Biden administration getting a record number of citizens vaccinated.

Legions of still alive trumpers protest in Washington about their country being “destroyed.” After the guy they orgasm over gave them air herpes.

Congressional Representititve Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York took to the public to celebrate her delight in sharing our first foray back to a normal lifestyle with a short speech outside of Manhattan’s swanky Sandy Batt Luxury Mall.

“Memorial Day is totes my favorite shopping holiday.  I like the white sales and when the perfume counters at the mall stores do those ‘Fightin’ For Fifteen’ fifteen percent discounts.  So much cooler than Black Friday.  People are way more chill, and they put American flags up all over the place.  I think that’s like, early decor for the Fourth of July.  I know my credit cards are out and ready bitches!”

Although the observance of “Memorial Day” began for entirely different and somber reasons, over time it has developed into a three-day weekend intended for getting good deals on mattresses and shams, testing out personal barbecue grills for the upcoming Independence Day celebrations, and happily receiving DUI convictions while driving back in the dark from local fishing and hunting expeditions with bellies full of Bud Light.

Police and public safety organizations in Alabama are recommending relaxing with just regular meth instead.

Several normally critical conservative outlets will be celebrating with heightened patriotic splash graphics, including the Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson programs, who are sponsored by mattress and linen companies having gigantic blowouts, as well as Mike Lindell’s legendary Memorial Day “Smoke Crack off MyPillow” promotion.

So, fellow patriots and patriettes, let’s really give Memorial Day this year the celebration it deserves, and follow Miss Cortez right down to your local mall.  Don’t forget your mask, just in case, and warm up that ever precious wallet full of stimulus money!  This is what it’s for!  God bless and Molon Lube!

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