Well.  The fix is in, as they say.

Deep cover investigative journalists with the Las Vegas Blumpkin have uncovered what might be a fairly fiendish conspiracy.  Taylor Swift, the superstar who is dating Kansas City Chief’s tight end and Superbowl hopeful Travis Kelce has her own first cousin refereeing the game.

In other words, get ready to hear a lot of penalty calls against the San Francisco forty niners this weekend.

That’s right.  The league has given the okay to have referee Joseph Barron Swift call the shots.  Swift is Taylor’s cousin from Queefdale, Tennessee, and has been working his way up the NFL ladder for nearly 40 years.

“The guy is blind,” says NFL assistant  commissioner Rod Gazupya.  “No, I mean legally blind.  As in, he ain’t got no eyes at all.  Ears neither.  He’s basically the person Metallica wrote that ‘One’ song about.”

With so many inaccuracies in that statement alone, it’s still true that the Swift cousin is legally unsighted.  So why would Taylor throw her weight around to have him referee the goddamn Superbowl, you have to ask yourself?

Maybe she’s giving a little TLC to her sweetie bear Travis Kelce.  Or maybe the story is completely fake.  Who’s to say, really.


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