Sylvester Stallone is one of the hardest-working celebrities in Hollywood. He always has a new project on the horizon.

Sly has announced that his schedule is clear for the next few months to a year after he pulled out of a Disney production with Marvel that could have netted him $100 million.

“Too woke for my blood,” said Stallone, “I’m sticking to the movies that made my career. I’m not looking to destroy it.”

It was a good choice by Stallone. The movie in question was a Marvel film that would have had him denying his Christian roots as he portrayed an alien criminal who enters the airspace of other species illegally and robs them. “It’s a bit too racey of a subject,” said his manager, Joe Barron, “Sly is looking more towards the Rocky-style role.”

ALLOD Entertainment Correspondelator Tara Newhole says she, once again, can’t seem to figure out where this story came from or why nobody is pointing out the obvious: “Stallone was already a character in Guardians of the Galaxy. He played the leader of a Ravager faction. And that movie was woke AF.”

Newhole confirmed that “woke” means “containing things geriatric potatoes have been trained to hate even though they’ll likely never encounter it in real life.” Things like…gay couples. Compassion. Caring about something besides you and yours.

For now, patriots, let’s celebrate the headline before us and pray that it’s true. God Bless America.


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