“Thousands of People” Turns Into Under a Dozen As First Pride Festival of the Season Flops

Only eleven people showed up for a widely-publicized Pride festival in Batt County, New Hampshire over the weekend. According to event coordinators, “thousands of people” were expected to show up.

“There were under a dozen,” said Supervisor Joe Barron, “it was really bad. There were more than forty people there to work the event, a live band, four food trucks, face-painters, and a slew of vendors that paid premium permit fees to be there.”

The show went on for the eleven folks who did show up, who turned out to be a group of high school graduates from Vermont Academy, the school where they shot the film “Taps.”

“We had no idea there was a Pride celebration,” said one of the students, “we were just passing through the Armpit on our way to Maine.”

Local authorities say the event may have suffered some “threats” from local residents. In the Armpit, there are unspoken rules. “Live free or die” only applies if your freedom is real, true American freedom. It’s like they dropped New England’s version of Talibama on the outskirts of all the tourist traps.

“Yeah, we had some folks let it be known how armed they are ‘n stuff. A few bomb threats. There were guys in camo and full body armor pretty much blocking all the roads while open-carrying their constitutional rights. It was never gonna work out.”

There you have it, patriots. Pride isn’t anywhere near as popular as people might think. God Bless America.