In a stunning turn of events, Hollywood’s own master actor Tom Hanks has purchased the acres-wide resort ranch known as “Neverland”, a former property of deceased singer Micheal Jackson.

Hanks commented that he was always “interested in the place,” and that he was a huge fan of Jackson’s, mostly due to his “incredible discretion.”

The Neverland Ranch is, today, somewhat worn down from its former glory.  Gone are many of the carnival rides that used to adorn the perimeter, and the merry-go-round no longer functions.  Only a single headless horse remains.

Included with the sale, which property manager and youth consultant Joe Barron told us, was at nearly eighteen million dollars, is the largest selection of animals that still live there, consuming mostly fruits, plants, and each other.

One of them, simian lodger “Bubbles” spoke to our journalists through an interpretation collar that Jackson had long ago bought from internet site “Temu.”

“I’m not crazy about getting raped by Hanks instead of the other guy,” he grunted.  “Micheal used to take his time and slide it in gracefully.  Plus, you know, he was pretty small.  Like, a quarter of a banana small.”

Small or no, it sounds like Bubbles has a lot to look forward to.  Or backward, whichever the case may be.  Run Forrest, RUN!


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