Anheuser-Busch is still trying to figure out what the heck happened and how the company could have possibly sunk so low so fast. The misfire of a marketing campaign to promote a transgender social media influencer has cost the brewer nearly a billion dollars — as well as its reputation.

After CEO Augustus Anheuser III resigned in disgrace, interim Chairman Joe Barron decided to erase the campaign and sever ties with the influencer in question.

“Is it too late?” Barron asked rhetorically, “I’m not sure it is. Budweiser is still the King of Beers and morons have a short attention span. Did anyone tell them they can be mad at Nike again?”

CNN confirmed that thousands of Republicans saved the charred remains of their Nikes last time they boycotted so they wouldn’t have to keep burning their new ones. “The party is evolving,” Don Lemon told his audience, “next week they’re going for dressing themselves and shoe tying.”

Lemon is likely on his way out for being a big pervy douchebag, so nothing he says holds much weight anyway.

The trans woman, Dylan Mulvaney, said she “couldn’t care less what the knuckle-dragging mouthbreathers of society say.” She’s currently in talks with Carharrdt to spox up for them next fall.

What in the heck is this country coming to? God save America. Please.


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