Tucker Carlson’s release from Fox News took the entire world by surprise. Even Tucker himself had no idea the network was about to go woke.

“I came in to work and they said we had mutually agreed to part ways,” said Carlson, “which was news to me, since mutual typically means both parties are involved.”

Carlson also revealed that it took CNN less than 2 hours to offer him $30 million to do his show there. “They don’t care about anything but money and ratings,” he told Glenn Beck, “they said I could have $30 million a year and say whatever I want.”

CNN denies having any contact with Carlson, and in an effort to save face, they even fired Don Lemon.

“Would we really fire Don Lemon and then add someone like Tucker Carlson,” asked CNN News Director Joe Barron, “he stands for everything we despise as journalists.”

Carlson says CNN can deny it all they like, but he knows the truth. “I’m headed to OAN to run its news division,” said Carlson, “I don’t need an operation like CNN that can’t even get a streaming service up and running.”

CNN refused to comment on why it’s streaming service sucked so hard. “It’s probably because only boomers watch cable news,” said Barron, “so it’s hard for us to gauge what a streaming audience might want. Definitely not Chris Wallace I can tell you that.”

Carlson will be back as soon as possible, patriots, you can count on it. God Bless America.

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