Two-thirds of all American businesses have abandoned “Pride,” according to a new study. The Citizens United National Trust Society has concluded that 2-out-of three businesses are now “rainbow free.”

“We’re seeing a shift away from rainbow capitalism,” said Society Chairman Joe Barron, “The people have spoken, and they don’t want it anymore.”

In a survey, most businesses say they try to stay away from controversial subjects if they’re not profitable. Three out of four Americans believe that frequenting a store covered in rainbows is a bad message for children.

A whopping 89 percent say they don’t want things force on them, like gay men in parades and mandatory health care.

Another study was quick to point out that Pride also comes and goes, and that next month the entire country will be covered in American flags.

“I’d also like to point out that approximately 76 percent of all internet statistics are made up,” said ALLOD correspondent Skip Tetheludah, “I just made that up.”

Skip always has a way of explaining things so we can understand. Them. God bless you, Mr. Tetheludah, for your valuable insight and in aiding the story to the required 200 words. You’re a true red white and blue hero. God bless America.

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *