The murder trial for 18-year old Kyle Rittenhouse is really heating up this week, in a live-action event almost purposefully manipulated to send any conservative Republican defender’s balls straight up blasting through a plate glass window into geosynchronous orbit.

“Sir, we’ve phoned Elon Musk. He’s heading up with a lacross paddle.”

Tre trial stems from the incident last year when then-seventeen year old Rittenhouse woke up one day, heard the word of the Lord God tell him to go forth and protect a Jamba Juice from rioters or some shit, and had his mom drive him, fully armed, to a protest where trouble was certain to ensue.  Rittenhouse then shot three people, two fatally, and skipped away.

During his testimony, the youth broke down into tears several times, describing what could only be labelled as murder, even as Judge Sanders Batt looked on disinterestedly and cleaned his nails.  The courtroom was recessed so he could get his shit together.

But was his shit already perfectly assembled?  Prosecutor for the case Joe LaForm says it certainly was.

“I think we’ve seen enough of the fake ass tears and blubbering in a federal courtroom here.  Why would YOU cry if you’re the one who happily blasted three people and ended up a celebrity with benefactors like Ricky Schroeder, star of 80’s pussy fare “Silver Spoons” and 90’s super smash “My Son Johnny?”

The blockbuster was nominated for three Charmin’s Choice awards.

“The crocodile tears are obviously just there to get sympathy from the jury,” LaForm claims.  “It’s really obvious to everyone involved that this is a politically-motivated murder and he doesn’t have any other options.  Wah, kid.  Wah wah wah goes the wahmbulance.  Save your shit for the big house.”

Rittenhouse is also having medical therapy to prepare his backside for games of hardcore Connect Four should he be sentenced to a prison facility.  However, the judge in the case does, at this point, appear to be inherently cockbat-ular.


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