The Daytime Emmy Awards has a Whoopi and Joy problem. Because the pair get pity nominations for their roles on “The View” every year, they feel entitled to not just show up at the ceremony, but to act as if they own it.

“Last year they spent the entire night heckling James Corden,” said Producer Joe Barron, “and the year before that they made fun of Avril Lavigne for believing that her faith get her through lyme disease.”

Planners have asked the pair, very politely, not to come this year. “The show is already banned from receiving nominations due to its controversial and political nature, so there’s no need for them to be there.”

Goldberg and Behar both say they plan to attend, as they have permanent seats because of the number of wins they have. “You can’t tell people like that not to come,” said Barron, “you just have to hope they have enough class to stay home.”

“Class?” said Whoopi, “Sweetie we go to make fun of soap opera actors. It’s a blast. Been doing it since Jensen Ackles. Lighten up. It’s the daytime Emmys. Nobody watches, and everyone just assumes we win every year.”

She’s not exactly wrong, but that’s not the point. Staying away would be the right thing to do. Not just for them, Ackles, and the cast of The Five, but for all mankind. God Bless America.

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