WikiLeaks wants Julian Assange released from custody or it will release a slew of documents and emails that will destroy President Joe Biden’s career. According to sources inside the organization, they have some dirt on Biden that nobody would ever expect, especially his wife and son.

They also say they have information on Hunter that will help authorities gain access to the secret laptop they haven’t been able to access, which will further destroy the Biden name. On top of that, they also plan to release an 80s-style video montage of the president sniffing people and touching them inappropriately.

“By the time my people are done, Joe Biden will wish he was some random guy named Brandon,” said Assange, “this is all his fault, anyway.” Back in 2010, when WikiLeaks let out a flow of information, it was Biden who convinced then-President Obama to ask the DOJ to look into it, the same day he asked him to try a Reuben for the first time.

Neither Assange nor the sandwich got much love from Obama, who got a horrible case of gas from the sauerkraut and took it out on an innocent reporter. That little bit of the story is often left out. Without pumpernickel rye, nobody would have any idea who Julian Assange even was.

God bless America.

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