“She wouldn’t stop crying.” That was the word from Destiny Ashbaucher, who says her family’s Disney vacation was ruined by wokeness. “As soon as we got there we saw rainbows everywhere. That was just the start,” said the dancer from Indiana, “before we knew it, we were surrounded by all kinds of gayness. People singing and dancing and acting all stupid. It was silly. I demanded a refund and we left.”

The struggling single mom won the tickets to Orlando on a Greyhound and a night at the Days Inn in Kissimmee by holding onto a stripper pole with nothing but one thigh and one calf muscle — somehow — for more than an hour. Since it was a tie with another girl, conveniently named Destiny as well, as many, many, many strippers are, making it a cruel name for a child, the contest was decided by a run-on sentence contest. When that ended in a tie at eleven syllables, the best blowy won, and the Ashbaucher clan was headed to Florida.

37 hours, 2 grams of meth, and 58 stops later, they arrived for their magical day, only to find that gay people exist in the real world and it was a much better idea to just go back home, grab some Mad Dog grape, and hit up the internet for some failtrolling.

The family’s lawyer, Joe Barron, says they’re pretty much just losers and will likely settle for a few grand and a bucket of chicken.

Disney had trouble commenting through the laughter, but managed to offer the bucket of chicken. The added a stipulation, however, that they’d hand it over only if “the horrible little bitch comes and does the tantrum thing again.” Apparently, it was hilarious but nobody got a good video.

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